July 2025 - Growth & the Gift of Agency
Growth doesn’t always look like pushing harder. Sometimes it looks like standing taller in the truth of your own life, finally free to move without fear.
This month’s full moon, often called the Buck Moon, symbolizes the time of year when male deer begin to grow new antlers. It’s a season of emergence, quiet strength, & tender but undeniable transformation.
As I sat with that imagery, I kept returning to a truth that’s reshaped my entire life:
I have agency. I have autonomy. I am free.
But it took years of healing for that truth to feel safe in my body.
After surviving abuse, the idea of full autonomy felt terrifying. The victimized part of me had grown used to surviving by shrinking. The traumatized part of me wanted to surrender to learned helplessness. It felt easier to stay in what was familiar than to risk trusting my own choices again. But healing gave me something extraordinary:
My power back.
I started realizing, not just in my mind, but in my body, that I had total control over my own life again. If I wanted to go to the beach after work? I could do that. If I wanted to sit inside and cry or binge-watch TV? I could do that too. If I wanted to try again at love, even from afar, & drive across the country to be with someone who saw me, not as a mirror of their desires, but as a full person?
That was mine to choose.
In my abusive relationship, the future was never mine. My choices were filtered through punishment, coercion, manipulation, or emotional abandonment. He claimed we were “co-creating” a vision, but in truth, I was being consumed by his.
Now, six years out, and married to a man who respects my agency, honours my needs, and challenges me without controlling me, I can feel the difference in every corner of my life.
We’re not codependent. We’re interdependent. He doesn’t just want me to go along with his path, he wants me to trust mine. That’s a healthy relationship.
But, to be clear, this feeling of freedom didn’t happen all at once. My body had to learn what freedom felt like through consistent efforts.
I had to re-learn that structure didn’t have to mean control. That commitment didn’t have to mean captivity.
I’ve learned that I don’t crave rigid structure, but I do love a little routine. Something that grounds me in the present rather than pushes me toward constant striving.
Morning movement. Time outside. Space to reflect & create. Flexibility to change things around when needed.
This kind of rhythm allows me to stay rooted in myself while still moving forward, not out of fear, but out of love & reverence for my agency.
A Somatic Prompt: Reclaiming Agency in the Body
If you're in a season of reclaiming your power, or just beginning to feel the stirrings of growth, here’s a simple somatic check-in you can do:
Sit quietly.
Place one hand over your heart, & one on your belly.
Take a breath in through your nose.
Feel your body expand.
Ask yourself:
From a place of love, what part of my life am I ready to take responsibility for?
As you exhale, let your body offer you one small next step.
Six years ago, I couldn’t imagine this version of me:
Honest. Self-led. Unashamed. Free.
And even though this past year has held deep grief, especially with the rupture of important friendships, I trust that every loss has made space for me to step more fully into the woman I am becoming.
Growth doesn’t always look pretty. It often begins with rupture, emptiness, & fear. But if you stay with it, if you let yourself become trustworthy again to yourself, the life that emerges will be yours.
Truly yours.
I don’t hide my past. I don’t feel ashamed that I suffered at the hands of someone who was supposed to love me. Because through that fire, I found my freedom.
This Buck Moon, may you honour how far you’ve come. And may you keep choosing a future that belongs to you. You are allowed to grow new antlers. You are allowed to change your mind. You are allowed to have a vision that is entirely yours.
And most of all, you are allowed to begin again, as many times as it takes.
With love,
Zofia
